Bergjord Boarding

By: Luke

Getting lost in a story is a magical thing that only happens in the best of stores. Would you have a good time if you could actually jump into the worlds these stories are set in?

The Shire (Lord of the Rings) – Ideal if your dream vacation involves second breakfast, gardening, and gossiping about who’s stealing your cabbages. Just steer clear of any wizards with quests unless you’re ready for a multi-year hike. Also if you hear dwarves singing about dishes it’s best to keep your distance. They are oddly good at cleaning up and you will most likely mess up their flow.

Westeros (Game of Thrones) – Beautiful castles and dramatic landscapes, but your odds of surviving past the first meal are low unless you have royal blood or plate armor. Great for cosplay, not so great for life expectancy. When visiting a tavern it seems like a bad idea o talk to anyone so just keep your head down. And no weddings!

Hogwarts (Harry Potter) – A magical boarding school where the stairs move, the portraits talk, and nobody questions the fact that the forest is actually trying to kill you. 10/10 for whimsy, 2/10 for safety regulations. If you can bi-pass the anti-muggle charms you are in for a trick and a treat. I’m sure something horrible wont happen.

Tatooine (Star Wars) – Like Florida, if it were on fire and full of smugglers, sandworms, and weird space bars. Bring sunscreen, a blaster, and a strong sense of moral ambiguity. The entire planet seems to be one big dessert with an abnormal amount of suns in the sky. Don’t even think about asking Jabba for a favor.

Neverland (Peter Pan) – The eternal youth thing sounds great until you realize it’s all pirates, lost boys, and emotionally unstable fairies. Still, not a bad getaway if you’re into sword fights and nap-time. The trip might be worth it for the imagination food, but also a flop if you can’t make it appear.

Whoville (How the Grinch Stole Christmas) – A cheerful town where the main activities are singing, decorating, and resisting annual thefts by a grumpy green neighbor. It’s basically Christmas on repeat, so go if you love carols… forever. Your trip depends on what size the grinches heart is at the moment. Could be great!

Hundred Acre Wood (Winnie the Pooh) – Peaceful, cozy, and full of stuffed animals with mild existential crises. Good for a quiet retreat. If you find a donkey’s tail make sure you find its owner. They will appreciate it if you return it but will have a hard time conveying their happiness.

Atlantis (Atlantis) – Exotic, mysterious, and very, very underwater. Great for adventure seekers and those who forgot how physics works in mythic cities. One would assume that with their technological advances their food scene would be top notch. I would stick to sea food.

Arrakis (Dune)– Perfect for those who like extreme heat, political drama, and giant worms with a taste for rhythm. Bonus: if you can survive the climate, you might become a space messiah. It is important to know that water is a precious resource there. It is a high compliment if someone spits in your face.